A most unhappy looking gentleman arrived at my door last week. He was unhappy because he was delivering the "long form" of the Census 2000 for me to fill out and he suspected I might be the sort who would complain.

Me complain about filling out the long form of the U.S. census? When I was one of the fortunate ones selected to take the hour or more of time to fill in the blanks for every member of my household (only 10 pages of questions per person) in order to help my government take better care of me? Talk about good luck. Only one out of every 6 Americans randomly selected are so fortunate to get the long form. How could one so privileged to be chosen for the long form not be filled with ecstasy?

But, fool that I am, I was not able to fully appreciate my good fortune. Thus, the gentleman soon learned of my displeasure.

I don't believe the government has the right to nose around in our private business even to gather information to help better serve our every needs. I told him so.

"The government has the right to count heads every 10 years..." he answered like a parrot, as if reciting something memorized from his 3 days of training to prepare him for the job. "Then, good sir, count my head," I retorted. "But don't ask me questions that pertain to my private life."

"This is yet another example of the federal government going too far, of government out of control, of big brother sniffing into our private lives," I continued, really on a roll. I couldn't wait to write the column. The poor fellow looked like he might burst out in tears. "This is my first day on the job," he ventured while I waved my long form like a battle flag calling any assembled troops to action, "and all I can say is a LOT of people feel the same way as you do."

Indeed. Are we Americans but sheep that come to the trough to fill out our forms and accept our grain for the day? When that grain is our grain from the start and shouldn't even be in the hands of the trough but with the sheep in the fields? I won't even talk to telemarketers nor opinion polls," I added. "Why should I want the US government asking me to fill out surveys right on my own door step?"

But the man was gone as quickly as he had appeared. And I was left with that ratty booklet of questions.
Like what is your sex, lady. Or ethnic origin. My choices were male and female for the first and Spanish, Hispanic, Latino, Mexican, Mexican- American, Chicano, Puerto Rican. Cuban, black, African- American, Negro, American Indian or Alaska Native, ( there is a space to print the name of my tribe), Asian, Indian, Chinese, Filipino, Japanese, Korean. Vietmanese, Native Hawaiian, Guzmanian or Chamorro, Samoan, other pacific Islander, Asian or..." white."

Please. "White?" What kind of category is that? Am I, an Anglo-American, merely to be lumped into government surveys with other "whites" such as Irish- American, French, German, Italian, Czechoslovakian, Greek, Jew and all the rest?
Such a suggestions, of course, that whites should be given special sub- categories of their own would be highly ridiculous as "whites" are supposed to be "whites" and that is that. But suppose whites don't want to be mere whites? Don't whites have the right to be broken down into ethnic and racial denominations too?

Or should the Federal Government, when they count our heads, at long last, consider all its citizens Americans? Then they want to know if I'm an educated white and if I can speak and write English. But that's not enough. I am to list whether I attended public or private schools, colleges and universities. And how far I managed to go before I threw in the towel on all formal education and became a writer.

Then, how well do I speak English and whether I speak or write any foreign languages and if so, which ones?
Now to housing. Do I live in a house, apartment, trailer, condo, (treehouse, boat, igloo or tent)? Am I blind, deaf or dumb or have any other handicaps? How old am I and how many children and grandchildren have I got? Did I fight in any wars. (So far I've only managed to qualify for wars of words.) Do I have any jobs, or did I, or will I, and tell us everything about you and your employer and what you do on the job and how much money you make , how much stock you own, how much welfare benefits you get all about your rent payments, fuel and electrify costs, how many bedrooms and bathrooms etc. etc. etc. you have how many cars, bikes, trucks you own, all your mortgage info and the value of all your properties.
Whew!

Then the last question, the coup d'etat so to speak, the counting heads question, I presume...the question that government has a legitimate need to know..."How many people live at this address?"

Now I know there are good reasons for the government do compile such information. After all, think of the planning that goes into running a government. Including the recent national ad campaign that encourages Americans to fill in their census forms. These ads speak of potholes on the roads that will not be filled if we don't fill in our forms. Or students who will have to be taught in broom closets instead of real classrooms because our area won't get their allotted federal monies returned to the people. I can imagine the good intentions that went into the census 2000. Oh, the many hours, weeks, months and years of bureaucrats putting their heads together through untold committee meetings, mugs of hot coffee and boxes of glazed do-nuts in order to cast the plan.

And only good intentions are behind the U.S. Census. And only good can come out of government knowing all it can about you and me. Yet One hears the path to hell is full of good intentions too. Is the path to totalitarian, big-brother government the same? Full of the best intentions? Perhaps the most chilling part of all in the form is a threat to fine all who do not fill it in with a fine of $100. What does that say about the state of individual freedom and the right of privacy in the good ole U.S. of A?